[RECORD SCRATCHES]
♪ It goes a little ♪ ♪ something like... ♪
♪ Like... like this ♪
[RECORD SCRATCHES]
♪ In my shoes ♪ ♪ my toes are busted ♪
♪ my kitchen says ♪ ♪ my bread is molded ♪
♪ I got a good job ♪ ♪ at the dollar store... ♪
MAN ON RADIO: The search continues
in the disappearance of the shiny new enemies.
These priceless ancient Chinese coins were stolen...
[BEEP BEEP]
Museum two nights ago.
Sergeant Meredith Kolko,
best known for the disappearance of her clothes
in last year's "Playboy" issue
"Cops out of uniform," is heading the investigation.
Elsewhere...
♪ One foot in the hole, ♪ ♪ one foot gettin' deeper ♪
♪ crank it to 11, ♪ ♪ blow another speaker ♪
♪ and I ain't got ♪
♪ I ain't got much to lose ♪
♪ 'cause I've seen better days ♪
♪ I been the star ♪ ♪ of many plays ♪
♪ I've seen better days ♪
♪ and the bottom drops out ♪
♪ I've seen better days ♪
♪ I been the star ♪ ♪ of many plays ♪
♪ I've seen better days ♪
♪ and the bottom drops out ♪
♪ now my cup is filled up ♪ ♪ with 5-buck wine ♪
♪ I find myself here ♪ ♪ all the time ♪
♪ another rip in the glass, ♪ ♪ another chip in my tooth ♪
♪ rained on, ♪ ♪ I've been stained on ♪
♪ found another goat ♪ ♪ I tried to put the blame on ♪
♪ and now I'm steppin' ♪ ♪ on all the cracks ♪
♪ so I guess ♪ ♪ there ain't no use ♪
♪ 'cause I've seen better days ♪
♪ I been the star ♪ ♪ of many plays ♪
♪ I've seen better days ♪
♪ and the bottom drops out ♪
[RECORD SCRATCHES]
♪ Check it ♪
♪ just check it out ♪
♪ I know that I've seen ♪ ♪ better days ♪
♪ the bottom drops out ♪
♪ I been the star ♪
♪ of so many plays ♪
♪ I walked on the edge ♪ ♪ with that hobo way ♪
♪ 'cause I know, I know ♪ ♪ that I've seen better ♪
♪ better days ♪
I hadn't planned on becoming a hero
when I walked onto that bridge...
Hey! Oh!
But this is a story
about how none of my plans work out...
And how, really, that's a good thing.
This whole mess started yesterday
when Avnet came into my shop.
Hello?
You open?
Yeah, I'm open.
Doesn't seem like it.
Haircut? Haircut.
I need a haircut.
Haircut. Yeah.
What kind of haircut would you like?
Uh...
A quick haircut. I have stuff I have to do.
Just like that is fine. See that?
Uh, fast pack?
Yeah.
[RADIO PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
Okay.
Oh, uh, would you like a magazine to look at?
Yeah, magazine.
Ooh. Golden. Mmm.
"Cops out of uniform." [MUMBLES]
I hope none of these pages are stuck together.
Oh, I turned right to it. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Where's our... Where's our...
Oh, there she is.
Oh, baby. Uh-huh. I'd do this.
I make a rubby, I make a spanky.
She could strip-search me, but she's still a fucking cop.
THOMAS: Whoa.
This weather is really something, isn't it?
Hey, no small talk, please.
Okay.
Hey, did you hear about those coins
that were stolen from the museum...
Shiny new enemies?
What'd they say? Sounds like professionals, huh?
Uh, actually the paper said it was kind of botched,
that the robbers almost got caught.
Can we please just stick to the haircut?
Okay. Yeah, thanks.
Hey, looky, a customer.
Must be your lucky day.
Karen, hi. I thought I told you
not to use the back door.
Whatever. I have a little favor to ask you.
I need somebody to take care of my affairs for a month.
I'm going out of town.
You know, pick up the paper, water my plants,
walk and feed my precious little Dave.
You being my ex-husband and all,
I thought you might be the logical choice.
Karen, I'm not your ex-husband. I'm still your husband.
We just separated, and she's...
I've taken care of that little problem.
I filed for divorce this morning.
Divorce? Wha...
Hey! What'd you do? I'm bleeding.
I'm like re...
I'm... I'm technically bleeding.
Here.
Here. Here. What's your fucking problem?
Look at this.
I'm sorry. My wife is in the process of leaving me...
Your ex-wife.
I'm scarred for life. Look at that.
Oh, it's just a scratch,
and you'd be surprised at how resilient ears can be.
Just keep the pressure on. I'm sorry.
Can we talk about this in private, please?
If we have to.
Hair? What happened to the hair?
Oh, don't worry. This won't take long.
Nothing with Kresk ever does.
Oh, really? Uh, barber?
Hmm?
I'm going to make a phone call
with my good ear,
but be back by the time I get done. Go!
Okay. Go.
Uh, Bollingsworth? Avnet here.
Oh, will you at least put the scissors down?
You're making me nervous.
Divorce... It sounds so... Final.
Can we at least talk about this?
What's the point of talking?
I'm really sick of you.
Kind of puts a damper on our relationship.
Okay, but what about the reconciliation
that our counselor was talking about?
Fuck reconciliation.
It might interest you to know
I'm going to Italy with our counselor.
You're sleeping with Dr. Kenny?
See, I like to think of it as therapy.
Here. Here.
Dave needs one of these pills twice a day,
or he will bloat up and die.
And, Kresk, try not to fuck this up.
Ciao.
Dr. Kenny?
I'll mail the letter,
and then I'm going to go back to my place
and get those shiny new enemies
and then I'm going to surprise my lady
with the good news,
and then we're going to France,
then I'm going to see how European papers
cover your trial.
Goodbye, Bollingsworth, old man.
Well, you little eavesdropper.
What?
I see what you're doing over there.
You're listening.
I didn't hear anything about the...
Ooh. Uh, wow. This isn't your lucky day, barber.
Your wife is leaving you, and I'm killing you. Wow.
Hey.
I'm not going to tell anybody.
Oh, I know that, but I just got to tell you one thing
before I kill you.
I've never met a worse barber in all my life.
By killing you, I'm doing the trade of barberism
a huge favor. Uhh! Ohh!
Hey!
Oh!
It's just a scratch. Hey!
It's just a scratch.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
WOMAN: 911. What's your emergency?
Uh, the...
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
Wait.
Hello?
Sir?
Hey, I'm really sorry
about the scissors in the neck thing.
[GRUNTING]
Asshole.
Ohh! Hey!
[SCREAMING]
Don't!
Are you okay?
Don't touch him!
KRESK: Of course I should have called an ambulance.
I should have called the cops.
I should have done a lot of things,
but I couldn't stop thinking about the shiny new enemies.
I turned to my oldest friend, Andy Brower,
a guy who had the skills to handle a situation like this.
BOY: But why do I need that?
It's a timber scout's best friend.
And why do you think they call it an axe?
Think about it.
Hey, Andy.
Whoa, Kresk. Long time no see.
Yeah.
Finally relenting, huh?
Yeah. Relenting?
You've finally come to ask me
to take you on a camping trip.
Well, you're in luck.
Next weekend I'm going down to the lakes,
see if I can spy any ringrobin sapstrongers.
It's their mating season, you know.
Ooh, that sounds like fun,
but, um, actually,
I came in here to ask you a favor.
Whatever it is, can do. Timber scout.
This is a pretty big favor.
Kresk, hang on one second. Sorry.
Okay.
Hey.
What do you think you're doing there?
I'm trying to tie a box knot.
Oh, yeah? Does this, uh,
does this look like a box knot to you?
No.
Yeah, you're damn right it doesn't!
And what if you're out in the woods, all right?
And there's a bear, and it's dark,
and you're alone, and you're about to be eaten,
and you need to tie a box knot
with your trembling, little, baby hands
to save your sorry ass, but you can't do it?
[SOBBING]
'Cause you're a wuss, okay?
You're a wom, all right?
You are a puss. You're a drossy little girl.
You know what?
You don't deserve any of these patches.
Yeah, unless they're for crying.
Give me! Give me!
Get out of here!
Kids today...
Can't even learn the simplest things.
Hey, what was that favor you were asking me about?
Whoa.
You killed him with a hair dryer.
Yeah, it appears so.
Way to use the resources you had handy.
Okay, what we need to do now
is get rid of the body.
Right. Right. Good idea.
Okay, I know a deserted little place
down by the river.
All right, here we are.
This is the perfect place
to drop this commie piece of shit.
Wait. I thought you said that nobody would be here.
Hey, don't worry.
We'll just wait for a lull in the joggers,
and then we'll carry him to the water.
Okay, okay. This is insane. Okay.
Put his foot on your foot
so it's... here.
Good, good. Just like natural.
Yeah.
He's walking.
♪ You get the ankles, ♪ ♪ and I'll get the wrist ♪
♪ you'll come down to this ♪
♪ ah, you get the ankles, ♪ ♪ and I'll get the wrist ♪
♪ you get the ankles, ♪ ♪ and I'll get the wrist ♪
Excuse me.
♪ You'll come down to this ♪
Andy, this place is no good.
Okay, so maybe I haven't earned
my body-dumping badge yet.
Do you have any suggestions where we can dump your body
that's vacant and available?
♪ You get the ankles, ♪ ♪ and I'll get the wrist ♪
♪ you'll come down to this ♪
[DOG YAPPING]
Hey.
Dave.
Ooh, Dave, don't! Don't!
KRESK: It was the perfect plan...
Store the body at Karen's for the time being
and feed the dog.
Let's get out of here.
Wait. I got to feed the dog. Come on!
Come on! Come on! Come on!
Okay, come on! No, come on!
I'm going to give you your pill, okay?
Kresk, you know, a lot of people think
wine coolers are a lady's drink.
I'm beginning to like them, you know?
Ow! Ow!
Just as messed up as beer does.
God! Bad!
They're great to take on camping trips...
Dave, where's my ring?
Dave? The vitamin C content is, uh...
Ohh.
God. What are you doing?
I was just checking to see if our new friend...
"Zachary Seymour Avnet"
had any cash to donate to the Andy Brower fund.
Come on, Andy, don't. Put it back.
Didn't find any cash, but I did find this. Look.
He's a card-carrying member of the John Birch Society.
I don't know if you're familiar with their philosophy.
Kresk, this man did not come into your shop
and yell communist slogans.
It's about time you started telling Andy Brower the truth.
Okay, Andy. I'm... I'm sorry.
I didn't...
I was going to say this as a surprise,
but you and I
are about to become very rich men.
What do you mean?
Just grab his keys. Come on.
KRESK: Of course, I hadn't intended
on dragging Andy into this mess,
but I figured he could use a couple million dollars.
Jeez, this Avnet guy was a pig.
How are we going to find a couple of coins
in this mess?
Tear this place apart.
This place makes me sick.
I'm going to clean up.
Andy, no.
You're not going to clean up.
We don't have enough time.
We've got all the time in the world. The guy's dead.
Fine. You do what you want to do.
I'll find the coins, okay?
MAN: [EFFEMINATE VOICE] Hey, sugar, I'm glad you're home.
I am... whoo.
[DEEP VOICE] Who the hell are you guys?
We're the... Cleaners.
We're the cleaners.
Cleaners?
Merit badge cleaning.
Uh, and we're here to clean up.
Yeah. We're going to vacuum.
Hey, did you get the vacuum?
I left it in the Van.
God.
You know what? That's bullshit. That is bullshit.
Now, what are you doing with Avnet's keys?
No, no. We had to...
BOTH: Get in.
Zachary Seymour Avnet. Avnet.
You know what?
I'm-a call the polices, 'cause y'all is lying.
Don't do that. We're the cleaners.
We're the fucking... Put that down!
Yeah!
Put it down!
Put it down, put it down. Oh, shit.
Okay. Don't!
Just enough talking, all right?
Just tell us where the treasure is. Yeah!
What treasure? I don't know about no treasure.
You know damn well what I'm talking about, lady.
Hey, I think it's a guy.
You're a transvestite?
[DEEP VOICE] Yeah.
Oh, that is a sin against god.
That is a sin against country.
Yeah, okay.
KRESK: Come on. Let's just go.
We're just going to go.
You know, wait one second.
You know what else?
Not only are you an abomination,
but you're the ugliest transvestite I've ever seen.
Fuck you! That tears it!
Aah!
Fucking talking to me like that...
I'm the best-looking transvestite...
Aah! Ohh!
Ohh!
Ow.
Hey, Andy, I got the coins.
I got the coins.
Andy?
[ANDY GROANING]
Andy.
Andy?
Andy.
I got the coins. I got them.
Fireman's carry. Like a fireman.
Okay, okay. Come on. Come on.
Uhh!
[CAR DOOR SLAMS, ENGINE STARTS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Bollingsworth here.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hello, Bollingsworth. It's Mikey. I know you told me
to never call you at your mansion,
but this is important.
I'm in Avnet's apartment, but the bastard got away
before I could finish him off.
Don't worry. I'll get him.
Hello?
[WATER GURGLING] Hello?
How did I ever get into this mess?
Aah.
Hello?
Whoo.
Hello, Mr. Avnet.
Hey.
Psst. Get up here.
Oh, there you are.
Shh. Quick.
I dressed in black as you instructed, Mr. Avnet.
I even brought the black Jaguar. Shh.
I'm ready to heist away. Come here.
All right, all right.
Remember now, um,
you're not here to heist away.
Just to watch.
No, no, no. I want to be with the action.
Yeah, watch. No.
I want to ruin Melander Stevens
with my bare hands.
Wow. You really hate that Melander Stevens,
don't you?
Yes.
I hate Melander Stevens.
Guess so.
Shiny new enemies are my crowning achievement
as director of the museum,
a feat you would never have been able to pull off,
my dear Bolly.
You don't know mandarin like I know mandarin.
[SPEAKING MANDARIN]
Coins are coming in tonight.
Well, Stevens, you must have arranged
quite a lot of security for their arrival.
That's the trick.
I've announced the coins are coming in Monday morning
in an armed escort.
They're actually arriving tonight
under cover of darkness
in a regular delivery truck.
It's genius.
True genius.
No one will ever steal them
as long as I'm director of the museum.
Yes, I'm sure no one will.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
Excuse me. I, um, I heard you were one
of the craziest motherfuckers around.
Yeah. What do you want, Mr. businessman?
I wondered if you wanted to make
an obscene amount of cash.
Oh, you're serious, aren't you?
Oh, I-I never make light of money.
Hmm. Do I have to have sex with you?
Oh, I certainly hope not.
Look, uh, Mr. Avnet,
let me buy you a gimlet,
and perhaps I can explain.
What's your angle?
I mean, you know,
obviously, you got a ton of money.
You don't need these coins.
Well, it's perfectly simple to explain.
Melander Stevens is my worst enemy.
For example, he was made Grand Boar
at the Hunter' Club without a single kill.
He stole the stewardship of the Mahjong Society
right from under my nose, and recently,
he bought the directorship of the museum,
a position that was rightfully mine,
with the donation
of a decidedly questionable Gainsborough.
I haven't understood a word you've said.
I hate him.
He cheats and he chews with his mouth open.
This robbery will absolutely ruin him.
Okay, okay,
but, uh...
Um... how are you going to...
Fence these ancient Chinese coins?
Fence?
Get rid of, sell.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, fence. Fence.
There are several
disreputable collectors in France
that would pay a pretty penny
for these coins.
The coins should be here any minute now.
Yeah, and when the van gets here,
I'll handle everything.
No, no, no.
I must be involved to the utmost extent.
Fine. Fine. You asked for it,
and don't blame me if things get rough.
Wait a minute. We agreed upon no rough stuff.
A... Take your hand off me before I rip it off.
B... If it gets rough, it gets rough.
You brought a sandwich to a heist?
Mmm. Pastrami on rye. It's my favorite.
Do you care for a bite?
Caraway seeds.
Mmm. It's good, isn't it?
Get out. Get out!
Now, out, out, now!
Front of the car, front of the car.
On your knees, on your knees!
Hands on your heads, hands on your heads.
Avnet, don't do anything rash.
Hey, pipe down.
Are you carrying those ancient Chinese coins?
Answer me.
1...
2...
3, 4, 5.
Oh, god!
Yes. Yeah, we have the coins.
Right. Where's the key to the back of the truck?
They're on my belt, on my belt.
Give me, give me.
Okay, good.
[GUNSHOT, BODY THUDS]
Why? Why did you kill those two men?
Oh, that's your fault.
Number one rule of thievery...
There's no witnesses,
especially witnesses that heard your name.
Oh, my god. I don't believe this.
These them? Are these those shiny new enemies?
Yes, those are they.
Uh-huh. What's the number one rule of thievery?
Now, wait a minute. You can't kill me.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I have the gun.
You have the brain the bullet lodges in.
It's simple arithmetic.
What about all that fencing?
I have to fence the coins.
No, you already told me what to do.
I'm just going to go to France
and look for disreputable people.
How hard can that be?
Okay, if you let me live, I'll make you a rich man.
I am a rich man.
Goodbye, Bollingsworth.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Uhh!
Oh, my god, oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Keys.
[STARTS ENGINE]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Two men dead, Bolly.
Two men, and the coins are gone,
and it's all my fault.
I'm ruined. I'm ruined.
I'm sure they'll be returned.
I can't believe this cocksucker
or cocksuckers
knew about the secret delivery.
How the hell did that get out?
I'll have to remember
every single soul I told.
Oh, well, Stevens,
it... it could be anybody.
Perhaps the thieves just happened
to be driving by at the right time.
Thank you.
That's highly unlikely, don't you think?
Well, I...
Sergeant Kolko.
What a pleasant surprise.
Good morning, Mr. Stevens.
Sergeant Kolko,
this is Robert Bollingsworth, and old friend.
Bolly, this is Sergeant Meredith Kolko.
She's heading the investigation into the robbery.
Pleased to meet you.
Please, sit.
So, uh, any leads?
That's what they say, isn't it? Leads?
Yes, it is, leads.
We know that two people were involved.
But, uh, I heard there were no witnesses.
That's right,
but I discovered this at the scene of the crime.
What is it?
A sandwich...
Pastrami on rye,
but not your common pastrami on rye. Oh, no.
This is bakery-fresh bread
with two types of seeds... Poppy and caraway,
just like the one you're eating now.
No fingerprints,
but we have two distinct sets of teeth marks.
Well, what are you going to do,
make everybody in the city take a bite
until you find the culprits?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Not a bad idea, Mr. Bollingsworth.
Maybe we should start with you.
[LAUGHS]
Sergeant Kolko is rather infamous
down at the station house.
There's a persistent rumor that she has a sixth sense
when it comes to tracking criminals.
I'd like to think that my success rate
has something to do with my persistence.
You do always get your man.
At least that's what it said in your "Playboy" article.
She's been in "Playboy," you know.
Best-looking cop I've ever had the pleasure to meet.
Her turn-ons include horseback riding,
skydiving, and strong cheese.
Mr. Stevens, let's keep our minds on the robbery.
[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]
[RING]
Oh.
Bollingsworth here.
Bollingsworth, it's Avnet here.
Oh, uh, hello, mayor.
Mayor? No, no, it's Avnet. It's the mayor.
Remember, you threw a sandwich in my face.
Um, what do you want?
I haven't spoken to the authorities,
and I'm not going to.
You've got the coins. Now, let's just call it even.
Or how about this?
I am going to speak to the authorities about you.
I am going to watch you, Mr. Successful,
stand trial for murder
while I'm out spending all the money.
Hmm? Tasty, isn't it?
No, it isn't.
So now I'm going to go back to my place
and get those shiny new enemies
and surprise my lady with the good news,
and then we're going to France
and, uh, I hope
the European papers cover your trial.
Goodbye, Bollingsworth, old man.
[CELLULAR PHONE CLICKS]
Wait.
Oh, my gosh.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
I got it.
Shooting gallery.
Hello, Mr. Haas?
Bollingsworth here.
I need a favor...
A rather large favor.
Hello, Bollingsworth.
You're Mikey?
You're the man Mr. Haas sent?
Let me get us another chair.
Excuse me. Is this chair being used?
Does it look like it's being used?
That's a good one.
Well, now it's being used.
I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
Got another chair.
So...
You want somebody rubbed out.
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
but you seem rather young
for this type of business.
Oh, don't worry. I get that all the time.
But just because I'm young
doesn't mean I'm inexperienced.
I hate to brag, but...
Do you remember Senator Dove?
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Room service.
♪ Come on, come on, ♪ ♪ come on ♪
♪ come on, baby, ♪ ♪ come on, come on ♪
♪ show me what you got ♪
♪ come on, come on, ♪ ♪ come on, come on, baby ♪
[CRASH]
[CAR ALARM SOUNDING]
Oh, so, um...
Senator Dove was one of yours.
Like I said, I hate to brag.
So back to the matter at hand,
who do you want bumped?
A man called Avnet.
I'm afraid I don't really know very much about him.
He stole something from me,
and he usually is found loitering
around a.J.'S arsenal.
Don't worry. I can find him.
And Mikey...
There is an air of expediency
about the whole procedure.
You want him killed quick.
Oh, yes, straight away.
This afternoon.
Well, it's your lucky day.
I'm not busy this afternoon.
KRESK: Things were really starting to go my way.
Sure, I'd accidentally killed a man
and my best friend was out cold on my couch, but...
I was a millionaire.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCKING]
KRESK: All I had to do was sell the coins
and start living my fabulous new life.
[DOOR HANDLE JIGGLES]
[POUNDING]
- Hey, Jeannie. - Hey.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Oh, my god. It's Andy Brower?
Yup, good old Andy.
I thought that guy would be locked up by now.
Yeah, yeah...
He's had a pretty hard day.
You know, too much to drink
and wine coolers.
So, something wrong?
Yeah, something's wrong. Something's always wrong.
Mark left me.
Oh, well, what a coincidence.
You know, Karen filed for divorce this morning.
Can we concentrate on me, Kresk?
Karen moved out two years ago.
Yeah, okay.
What are you doing here?
My husband leaves me, and my brother wonders
what I'm doing bothering him about it.
This is a great country.
No, what I meant was,
if you need a shoulder to cry on,
why don't you go to one of your friends,
like Shelley?
Mark left me for Shelley.
Okay, then that's a pretty bad idea.
Kresk, I need you to take Scottie off my hands
for a few days.
No. No way.
That little bastard hates me.
Hey, Scottie, get a broom and clean that up.
Yeah, now!
Hey, don't yell at my son.
Listen, it's just for a few days, Kresk.
Jeannie, I don't think I can take him
for a few hours.
You'll be fine.
Just be careful 'cause he will eat anything.
Great. Good luck.
Okay, baby, come here. Give mama a kiss.
Screw you.
All righty. Bye-bye.
[CRASH]
Hey, Scottie.
Hey.
Well, I guess it's just you and me, buddy.
I hate you.
Hey, Scottie, could you just please...
Yeah?
Hi. Yes, is this Lester's 24-hour pawn shop?
Yeah.
Great. I have some coins that I'd like to pawn.
What kind of coins?
Hold on. Scottie, put those down.
Put them down!
Sorry, um...
Yeah, they're... They're really old.
Yeah, I'd say around...
Ming dynasty or so.
[CHOKING]
Uh, wait.
Scottie.
Oh, my god! The coins!
Scottie...
You idiot!
The culprits appear to be coins...
Probably some quarters.
So what's going to happen to those quarters?
Are they going to, like,
stay in his stomach forever or what?
No. Nothing stays in your stomach forever,
but he'll probably pass them in a few days
when nature takes its course.
We could administer a laxative,
but that boy is on so many meds...
I mean, god only knows what might happen.
He'll be released tomorrow morning.
Will, like, the juices in his stomach
hurt the coins?
Are you trying to tell me, Mr. Kresk,
that you're worried about those quarters?
No. No, no. I'm just curious.
You know, I've never seen anyone
swallow coins before, and I was just,
you know, wondering what would happen.
Hey.
Where's my kid? Oh, you must be the mother.
Hello, I'm Dr. Welby.
Your boy is going to be just fine, Mrs. Smith.
Well, no thanks to my stupid brother.
So good job, Kresk. I leave my kid with you
for a couple of hours, he almost buys the farm.
Who's that?
That? That's Brian.
So now that Mark is out of the picture,
you just take up with some man?
Brian is not just some man. He's Mark's best friend.
I looked after that little brat
because you said you had to get your life back together,
not go get laid.
My son almost died because of you, Kresk.
Scottie isn't the only one who got hurt.
I lost 75 cents in the whole deal.
Kresk, don't come near my son ever again.
You are such a loser.
KRESK: Jeannie was right.
I was a loser.
You see things differently after you've held
millions of dollars of ancient Chinese coins
in your hand and then lost them.
So...
The bridge.
Goodbye, cruel wo...
Goodbye, cruel world.
I don't believe this.
Hey! Oh!
Are you all right, old man?
Are you all right?
Asshole.
What?
[SIREN WAILS]
You're a hero, Mr. Kresk.
Hmm. Tragedy.
Real tragedy.
So how are you doing?
Well...
I'm Frederic Kerner...
Mr. Bollingsworth's personal assistant.
You know our Mr. Bollingsworth is a major industrialist?
Worth quite a lot of money.
Then why did he jump off the bridge?
Oh, no, no.
He didn't jump. Sadly, he fell.
No, I'm pretty sure he jumped.
You're remembering wrong.
Probably all of that icy water. He fell.
Say that with me. He fell.
He fell... But he jumped.
Look, a lot of people
are going to ask you questions today...
Doctors, members of the media,
police.
It's very important that everybody know
that Mr. Bollingsworth is of sound mind and body,
even if he's in a coma.
So listen, there's a gaggle of reporters downstairs
eager to hear some great truth about Mr. Bollingsworth.
You know, I don't want to talk to any reporters
right now, Mr. Kerner. I'm still wet
and I just want to go home, catch some sleep.
It's too bad you won't get a chance to meet Gina...
Mrs. Bollingsworth. She is so friendly.
Oh, are you Mrs. Bollingsworth?
No, I'm Sergeant Meredith Kolko
of the police force.
AVNET: "Cops out of uniform"?
And you are?
I'm just Thomas Kresk.
I saved the old man.
If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you
a few questions about Mr. Bollingsworth.
Great body.
Excuse me?
Your hair... It's really nice.
Can you please describe what happened on the bridge?
Well...
I was out for my morning jog,
and I saw Mr. Bollingsworth.
He fell into the river.
He slipped and fell over the railing?
Yes...
Mr. Bollingsworth has always been very athletic.
Mr. Kerner, do you mind?
I guess.
Now, Mr. Kresk...
What happened on the bridge?
Okay...
There... he fell...
Jumped...
There... he jumped...
But falling...
He was like...
I want you to go home, dry off,
take a nap, and I will question you later
when I am sure you'll remember
exactly what happened, okay?
Great. All right, so just give me a call,
and maybe we'll go get dinner or something.
That'll be "or something." Now if you'll excuse us,
I need to talk to Mr. Kerner here.
Okay. Maybe I'll see you around, then.
Yes, you will.
All right.
I'm really looking forward to our interrogation.
Yeah.
Ahem.
Can I help you?
I'm Sergeant Meredith Kolko of the police force.
You must be here about my complaint.
Complaint?
Yes. Not only has my fiancé gone missing,
but yesterday I was attacked
in the comforts of my own home
by some mad dentist and an overgrown scout.
Really?
One of them even smashed a piggy bank over my head.
KRESK: Suicide is so stupid.
I mean, being in the hospital
kind of changed my whole outlook.
I thought about my life.
I thought about my job. I thought...
Fuck it.
I'm going to go get those coins.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Jesus H. Christ. Hey!
[KNOCKING]
Just a minute!
Hey.
Hello, Mr. Kresk.
Hi, there. You can just call me Kresk.
May I come in for a minute?
It's a little messy.
It's okay.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt something?
No, that's Andy. He's a friend.
He's a little hung over.
Too many wine coolers last night.
I'll be brief. Great.
Have you heard about the shiny new enemies?
I don't know anything about them.
I'm just an innocent barber.
I wasn't accusing you. I know...
But I thought
you were investigating Bollingsworth's suicide.
I think he's linked to the robbery.
Bollingsworth?
Mm-hmm.
I find that hard to believe.
Something tells me it's Bollingsworth.
Great.
What were you really doing on that bridge
at 6:00 in the morning?
Well, like I said, I was out jogging...
Obviously, you were not jogging.
I mean, look at your outfit.
Well, I was on that bridge for an early morning walk,
you know, to think...
Whoa, what's that?
"Goodbye cruel wo..."
you know...
Andy may have written that last night
when he was drunk.
Kresk, are you okay?
Sure, I'm fine, but...
Okay...
Because, you know, everybody has problems.
Yeah, well,
you don't look like you got problems at all.
Look at me.
I'm trying to solve this case,
and I have one suspect in a coma
and another one who is probably already in France.
France.
Wait, I thought the coins were Chinese.
They are, but the most disreputable coin collectors
in the world are in France.
Wow. You really know your stuff.
I think I should get going.
If you think of anything,
anything at all,
give me a call.
All right. Really?
Oh, hey, wait.
I need your phone number.
Of course.
And a little spanky.
That's my cell.
Okay.
Bye.
What an amazing woman.
She just came to my door and gave me the perfect plan...
Take Scottie, who had the coins pretty well hidden,
to France and fence them to some disreputable people.
Hey.
Aah!
Whoa.
Hey, did you find those coins, old camper?
Just give me a minute.
I'll tell you in the car, okay?
Hey, Scottie.
How are you feeling today?
I'm all right.
Want a ride?
I'm not supposed to take rides from strangers.
Scottie, we're not strangers. I'm family.
Uncle Kresk, you're beginning to creep the shit out of me.
Hey, kid...
3 pounds of delicious candy.
Shove it.
Go!
Scottie! Hey!
Stop!
It's okay. I'm his uncle.
He's just a little hyperactive.
Everything's cool.
His mom is his sister.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yeah?
Hey, Jeannie, Kresk.
Weird thing... Scottie just showed up at my door,
and he wants bygones to be bygones
about the whole coin thing.
Said he wanted to just hang out
for a couple of days, just...
Whatever.
I can't believe you kidnapped me.
Ow! That hurt!
It's not kidnapping.
Think of it as borrowing.
There's something inside of you that we need.
My plasma.
No. The coins that you swallowed.
Wait a freaking minute.
You guys kidnapped me to get the coins I'm going to poo?
It's like a bird with seeds, okay?
Like a ringrobin sapstronger.
Just shut up. We just need to know
if you've pooed since last night.
No, I haven't, Mr. creepy.
Okay, now those coins are worth a lot of money,
so you can't poo for the next 24 hours,
but when we get to France,
you can poo to your little heart's content.
KRESK: Everything was going pretty smoothly.
I had 10 hours to kill before my plane took off,
so I decided to pay the old man a little visit.
Girl, I do not have to be careful.
Dr. Welby said that rich old man
ain't never going to wake up.
Um...
I came by to make sure
that you didn't snap out of your little coma
before I left the country, but, uh...
I guess I don't have to worry about that.
It's funny.
It's not funny. It's more ironic than funny.
It's pretty much not funny at all.
In fact, it's kind of sad, but...
I was on the bridge for the same reason as you.
Those damn coins.
I guess I just fly to France with Scottie,
wait till he poos the coins out,
and then send him home, and then I just disappear...
Hey, you're supposed to be in a really bad coma.
So you were in on it with Avnet, eh?
You asshole.
[MONITOR BEEPING]
Oh, my...
What am I going to do?
KRESK: I'm a barber, not a killer.
So I turned to an old friend, Paulie Haas...
A guy who had the skills
to handle a situation like this.
[GUNSHOTS]
Do you have an appointment?
Not really.
I'm looking for Paulie Haas.
Hey, there he is. Hey, Paul...
Hey, Paulie...
You probably don't remember me.
My name is Kresk.
You used to beat the hell out of me
at Our Mother of Peace Elementary.
Yeah, yeah.
[WHISTLES]
The runt.
I made a small fortune off your milk money.
Yeah.
Oh, this guy.
Hey, remember the day that they threw you out?
Sure. Second grade.
Damn nuns.
You know, they really stunted my education.
Yeah.
Your dad still own that crummy little barber shop?
Uh, no.
No, he stuck his head in the oven,
so I took over.
Oh...
Good.
Yeah. Hey, I'd love to rehash old times,
but actually, I came here to talk business.
Go ahead and talk.
Okay.
Well, I kind of need someone...
Done away with.
You want somebody killed?
Uh, yeah, you could say that.
Well, do you have the money for this little task?
I mean, it costs 10 grand to have somebody bumped...
Half up front. You got 5 grand, barber boy?
I don't have 5 grand on me now,
but I will in the future.
Sorry. Half up front.
Hey, Paulie, come on. We're old friends.
I used to beat you up. It's the same thing.
Listen, I promise you...
I will pay you $20,000 down the line.
Just do me this favor.
Please?
All right.
Since we've known each other for so long,
I'm going to give you a number.
That's the new kid.
He's got balls like pomegranates.
Really?
Well, I never expected
to see a killer with a business card.
Don't call him a killer.
They don't like that.
You're a barber.
You don't Barb people, do you?
No.
All right.
Hey, take it easy, Paulie.
♪ I know what it's like ♪ ♪ to be young and defensive ♪
♪ I've been defensive ♪ ♪ all my life ♪
You looking for me?
Mikey?
How old are you, 20?
About that.
19?
17. Have a seat.
You're 17? You're a hired killer?
First off, we don't want to be called hired killers.
That's what the cops call us. We're hit men.
Okay.
Secondly, I didn't come here to talk about my age.
I'm sorry. Um, so if... wait.
How much experience could you have?
Well, I don't like to brag,
but do you remember Senator Dove?
♪ Come on, come on, come on, ♪ ♪ come on, baby ♪
♪ come on, come on, ♪ ♪ show me what you got ♪
♪ come on, come on, come on, ♪ ♪ come on, baby ♪
♪ come on, come on, come on, ♪ ♪ come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ come on, come on, come on, ♪ ♪ come on, baby ♪
♪ come on, come on, ♪ ♪ show me what you got ♪
♪ come on, come on, come on, ♪ ♪ come on, baby ♪
[BODY THUDS, CAR ALARM SOUNDING]
Whoa. You killed Senator Dove?
I voted for him. He was a nice guy.
Hey, I liked him, too.
I would have voted for him if I'd been old enough.
Yeah.
So, Paulie said he was floating you
the up-front money.
Yeah. Don't worry. I'll have the money,
and this is going to be really easy.
This guy's mostly dead already.
Look, who do you want whacked?
Robert...
Robert Bollingsworth.
Jumped off the bridge.
He's in a coma at the hospital.
What's the matter? Do you know Bollingsworth?
No, of course not.
I just recognized his name from the news.
They said he slipped.
They didn't say anything about suicide.
Oh, no, I was there. It was suicide.
I mean, he wanted to die, and I stopped him,
and that's why I want him dead.
What's wrong?
Suicide bothers me.
My mom and dad killed themselves.
I'm sorry.
My... my father killed himself, too.
That's horrible.
Yeah.
My... my parents were dentists.
After they did it,
I dropped out of high school and became a hit man.
Well, if you don't want to do the Bollingsworth job...
I didn't say that.
[SOBBING]
I'm sorry.
There, there.
Don't worry.
I'll make the hit.
Okay, okay.
Hey, Andy, come on.
What's going on here?
Oh, hey.
Just coaching the boy
in the fine art of Indian wrestling.
He's as strong as a bull, Kresk.
Shh. Quiet.
...investigation into the robbery
of the shiny new enemies,
headed by Sergeant Meredith Kolko.
We caught up with Captain Weaver at headquarters.
He remains optimistic.
Yes, this is a very difficult case,
but we're in hot pursuit.
Every available man is working on this.
I can't tell you much right now,
but we are certain that this is the work
of a major crime syndicate.
Honey, I will never forget them.
Now, the dentist... He was kind of sexy,
you know, in a white trash kind of way.
But that scout... He was just a bad soul.
What happened here?
What's this?
Oh, honey, that's just the pig.
The piggy bank I was telling you about.
Remember at the hospital I told you that man
smashed a piggy bank over my head?
This Avnet's coin collection lying on the floor.
You know, he like a little magpie.
He like anything shiny.
I need to find your boyfriend.
Shoot. I need to find him, too. Shoot.
[CELLULAR PHONE RINGS]
You can take that in the kitchen.
Yes?
Hey, Meredith. How are you doing?
It's okay if I call you Meredith, isn't it?
That depends on who this is.
Oh, I thought you might recognize my voice.
It's, uh, Kresk, and, um,
well, you said that, you know, I should call you
if I remembered anything about the case,
anything at all.
And?
I remember something pretty big,
and I think maybe, you know,
we should get together and talk about it.
Why don't you just tell me now?
Okay.
I... saw... Mr. Bollingsworth
throw something into the river
before he jumped.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
How come you didn't mention this before?
Because it just...
It slipped my mind until now,
but I still think, you know,
we should get together, talk about it.
Maybe have some coffee or...
Meet me at Foo's Ho Ho.
You know where it is.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Um... okay. I'll be there.
And, Thomas?
Yeah?
I did recognize your voice.
Oh.
You're going on a date?
Yeah, but don't worry. I know what I'm doing.
Scottie, make sure you get some sleep.
Plane leaves for France in eight hours.
Screw you!
Ugh!
I think I made a mistake today.
I should have never floated that stupid barber.
He's never going to cough up that money.
What are we going to do about it?
What do you think we're going to do about it?
We're going to get our money.
How?
The old-fashioned way.
Did you a-always want to be a cop?
Yeah,
but some people claim that I only did it
because I wanted to restore my father's name.
Restore his name?
Mm-hmm. Dad was the perfect cop...
25 years on the force.
They even gave him the gold watch and everything.
Oh.
But then he changed.
First he would just wear spurs around the house.
Next came the six-shooter, then chaps.
Then he started riding a horse
and calling his Captain Wyatt Earp.
Wow.
They fired him.
So, the garage...
Oh.
Wow. What a coincidence.
My dad killed himself, too.
Really?
Hey, barber boy.
[DOOR RATTLING]
[WOLF WHISTLES]
Hello?
Looks like a giant timber scout here.
Why's he all tied up like that?
I don't know. It's probably some weird sex thing
that barbers enjoy.
Should we untie him?
We're not here to rescue anybody, okay?
Go look for Kresk. Go look around.
[GROANS]
Who tied you up?
The barber?
The kid.
The kid, the kid. What kid?
Death to all traitors!
Use the thumb press, Scottie!
Use the thumb press! The thumb press!
The Ohio valley thumb press, like I showed you!
SCOTTIE: Come on! You want a piece of me?
Sit down.
I said sit down!
All right, all right. You're g...
All right, you're getting tied up.
[SCOTTIE GROANS]
Nice try, son. I'm proud of you.
Hey, you shut up.
Ohh!
Boy, you guys think you're real cool, don't you?
He said shut up.
The barber... He ain't here.
Obviously.
Well, what do you want to do about it?
We wait.
Wow. You know, this feels so good.
I-I've never talked about this,
not even with my sister.
It's like our own little 2-person support group.
Yeah.
We got this whole parental suicide thing going.
Like we're connected.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
I came to tell you that,
a... I can't find that Avnet character anywhere,
and b... in what is quite a coincidence,
I've been hired to kill you.
Now, this is a good thing.
I'll kill... Forgive the pun...
Two birds with one stone.
I'll get rid of an unsatisfied customer
and satisfy another at the same time.
Goodbye, Robert Bollingsworth.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Visiting hours are almost up.
I'll be done in a minute.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
That old man must really mean something to you.
You take your time.
Okay. Let me make a little confession.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Room service.
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]
Senator Dove?
No, senator, wait!
Don't do it.
Let's talk about this.
We can talk this over, please.
Goodbye, cruel world.
[OPERA MUSIC SWELLS]
No!
[BODY THUDS, CAR ALARM SOUNDING]
Well, a job's a job.
Who are you?
I'm the hit man. Who are you?
I'm the hit man.
Kresk hired you, too?
Who's Kresk?
I was hired by Kerner.
Who's Kerner?
Okay, well, apparently,
a lot of people want this old guy dead.
I've never really been in this situation before.
What should we do?
I don't know what you're going to do,
but I'm going to kill this man.
Well, wait a minute.
If I don't kill him, I don't get paid.
Look, my wife just had twins.
I have to kill him just to keep my kids in diapers.
Listen, the guy who hired you
doesn't know about me
and the guy who hired me doesn't know about you.
So if this old man ends up
with a bullet in his brain,
it doesn't really matter whose bullet it is.
That's a good point,
but there is that sticky issue of pride.
I mean, this would be a big hit.
This guy is famous, right?
Look, I threw Senator Dove off a balcony.
I don't really need to add to my cachet.
Go ahead. Kill him.
If you insist.
But first I'm killing you.
Hey, wait a minute.
I don't quite see the angle here.
I'm just eliminating the competition,
clearing the field, as it were.
Any final words?
Goodbye, cruel world.
Hey, sugar, I brought you some pamphlets on...
[SCREAMING]
[FIRE ALARM SOUNDING]
Aah!
Whoa! What are you doing?
I know what you're after.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you're never going to find those coins.
We've hidden them too well.
What coins?
Uh... nothing.
I have priceless Chinese coins
in my stomach.
Scottie.
What? Oh, man.
Shiny new enemies?
Yeah, well, them,
but, uh, it doesn't matter.
You're not leaving here with them, anyway.
Why... why don't you untie me,
and we'll, uh, Indian wrestle like real men?
Best two out of...
Let me go! I'm warning you!
Get in.
[TIRES SCREECH]
♪ Little field mice ♪ ♪ livin' under the house ♪
♪ never eatin' much, ♪ ♪ tough life for a mouse ♪
♪ and if you think... ♪
KRESK: After the restaurant,
Meredith and I took a long walk.
We laughed and talked and stuff.
It was really weird.
I think she actually liked me.
In fact, I know she did.
[GIGGLES]
Oh. There are tents in your living room.
I... I have guests, so we have to be quiet.
Oh, okay. I'll do my best.
All right.
No problems doing anything.
Who's that?
KAREN: Kresk, I know you're in there.
Oh, sh... it's Karen.
Who?
My ex-wife. She's supposed to be in Italy,
having sex with our marriage counselor.
I'm not going to answer it.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Like hell you're not going to answer it!
You want me to set this place on fire?
Just let the woman in. I don't want any trouble.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Hey, Karen.
Interrupting something? Who's the flooz?
This is...
I'm Sergeant Meredith Kolko of the police force.
Meredith... police.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
You might be interested to know what I found in my apartment
when I returned from my trip abroad.
I can explain. I really can.
I know it looks bad...
Yes, it does look bad. I came home early from Italy
because I find out Dr. Kenny uses a pump,
and in my apartment I find...
Karen, I will give you $1.5 million
if you don't s-say another word, please.
Like you have $1.5 million.
Karen, can we just go...
Just let the woman talk, okay?
Thank you, Sergeant.
Dave?
Dave, honey?
Mommy's home.
Mommy brought you a present. Dave?
[TOY SQUEAKING]
Dave, honey, Mommy's home.
AVNET: Dave? Who's Dave?
Dave? Dave?
Dave, Mommy's here.
Where are you, baby?
Dave, Mommy's here.
Dave? It's not funny. Dave?
Oh, d... oh, Dave!
My bloated baby!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No, Dave, no, no, no!
Oh, Dave, no! Oh, god!
That's it? That's all you found?
Are you kidding me?
My dog almost died because of you.
Thomas, is this true?
That stupid little dog attacked me
when I was feeding him. The pills,
they fell into the sink 'cause I was...
My little Dave attacked you.
I find that a little hard to believe.
It's the truth.
Okay, whatever. Give me my key back
before you fuck up my life some more.
Shh.
Enjoy.
Did the dog really attack you?
Meredith...
I will never lie to you.
That little bastard bit me.
Am I in trouble with the law?
Only if you open the door again.
♪ I was gatherin' wits ♪
♪ at the waterin' hole alone ♪
♪ I'm approached by an ingenue ♪
♪ showing beads and feathers ♪
♪ and so I stared deep down ♪
♪ through the heart ♪ ♪ of my stout glass ♪
♪ so she came at me ♪ ♪ with a force ♪
♪ of an afterschool special ♪
Condom.
What?
Condoms.
Condoms. That's a great idea.
Right now.
What? They're in the medicine cabinet.
Well, hurry. Hurry.
♪ She had hair ♪ ♪ like misty Glen ♪
♪ she had, she had friends ♪
♪ like psychic friends ♪
[RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES]
Ohh!
What are you doing here?
Just checking in.
Shh.
[TURNS FAUCET ON]
Hey, curiosity may have killed the cat,
but it tends to keep the hit man alive.
You have the coins
and you're trying to frame Bollingsworth.
How did you know that?
Shit, man.
I like the way you work.
You look like an innocent barber,
but really, you're a bad ass.
No, no, really, I'm just an innocent barber.
An innocent barber who has
priceless coins in his nephew's gut?
Thomas, we got to hurry up.
KRESK: They're in here somewhere!
I like you.
Hey, want to go see a show?
What? A show? What are you, crazy?
I can get tickets half-price.
MEREDITH: I'm starting without you!
KRESK: I'm just washing my hands!
Hey... i don't know if you've noticed,
but I have some things going on in the other room,
some really nice things, and...
Kresk, we're buddies.
Well, we're...
Let me give you a little friendly advice. Yeah?
You don't want to become romantically involved
with the person who's trying to capture you.
Okay, thanks,
but Meredith doesn't know anything about that.
Oh, you don't think so? No.
You don't think this may be a trap? No.
She's looking for the coins and you have them.
MEREDITH: Thomas!
Yeah, just a second.
But can't you see that you and I
have the whole parental suicide thing in common?
Let's go to "cats." That's a great show.
No, thanks.
You want to go out for a malted?
No, Mikey, no. No.
Listen, I hired you to kill Bollingsworth,
not to be my... Little buddy.
Well, if you don't want to be friends, that's fine.
And I quit. You can kill the old man yourself.
Mikey.
Are you serious? Mikey.
Hey.
Hey, Mikey.
Mikey.
Ah, here they are!
They were right in front of me.
You're pointing a gun at me.
I'm well aware of that.
Hey, this doesn't bode well for our relationship.
No, it doesn't. Tell me something, Kresk.
What's that, dear?
How could I have fallen in love with a gunman?
Gunman?
Yeah.
It was you and Bollingsworth who stole those coins.
You killed those guards in cold blood.
[MEN SCREAMING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Jolly good shot.
That's insane.
It all makes sense.
Your unusual interest in Bollingsworth's health,
the tickets to France I found in your room,
this gun. You have those coins, Kresk.
Stop.
I said I would never lie to you,
and I won't.
You're right. I have the coins.
So you were just using me.
No.
I just wanted to see you.
Don't bullshit me, Kresk. I'm a cop.
I know bullshit. You're a murderer.
No, I'm not.
I'm not a murderer. You got to believe me.
I c...
Look, I can prove it.
In one of those tents is Scottie, my nephew,
and he has the coins in his stomach.
I'd love to believe you...
[BODY THUDS]
Got her.
Meredith.
Hey. Hey, Andy!
You cold clocked my girlfriend.
Oh, Kresk, she's not exactly your girlfriend.
She was arresting you.
Andy, what's going on?
Oh, man, we got to go.
These two guys came and they kidnapped Scottie.
"Ha ha. We have the buoy."
What? It's Paulie.
Do you got to go yet, kid?
Stick to the game and ask for a card.
Drink your prune juice,
then I'll ask for a card.
Ask.
You ready? Ready?
Yeah, yeah.
You got any 3s?
Grab a fishing pole, Jethro.
You know, you should really have more respect
for your elders.
Blow it out your hole!
Will you stop shaking the table?
These k's are hard.
Got any 7s?
No, wait. It's not a real gun.
It's a bluff. We just flash a little metal,
grab our Scottie, get the hell out of here.
Now!
Step away from the boy!
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, look who it is, Johnny.
You're a barber, not a killer.
You don't have the balls to pull that trigger.
Oh, oh, yeah?
Ha.
Try me!
Try me. Try me.
JOHNNY: Do you believe this guy?
Maybe we should...
Ow!
Oh, sh...
This damn cane is off.
Ohh.
Hey, I've been shot.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! Stop!
Aah!
Oh, shit. Johnny.
You did that on purpose.
No, I didn't. I swear to god I didn't...
Uhh!
[GROANS]
Now, that was on purpose.
Hey, are you okay?
It's so cold.
I'm going to take you to the hospital.
No, no, Kresk. Come on. It's too late for me.
Just take the boy, go to an airport.
No, no way. Come on. Fireman's carry.
Come on.
Wait. Come on, Scottie.
We're taking uncle Andy to the hospital.
What in the hell took you guys so long?
That fucker!
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
Robert Bollingsworth?
About a half an hour ago, I thought I had a new friend,
then I realized he really wasn't much of a friend
and I was going to fuck him over.
Then I remembered a job's a job.
I'll kill you and then I'll kill myself.
Hey, what kind of a hit man are you?
Go ahead.
Shoot me. I got nothing to live for.
What kind of a shitty attitude is that, huh?
It's a realistic one.
Life just isn't worth living anymore.
Oh, no?
You should be ashamed of yourself...
A kid your age.
You know, call me an optimist,
but I like waking up in the morning...
Birds chirping, the sun shining,
my two little angels.
I mean, the only thing I lack is a good friend.
As a hit man, they're really hard to come by.
Tell me about it.
When will the moose come?
Oh, bugger.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY]
Oh, my god.
[BEEPING SLOWS]
[FLATLINES]
He's dead.
That was easy.
Guess our jobs here are done.
Say, you want to grab a sandwich or something?
Yeah, sure.
You know, I'd really like to hear
about that Senator Dove hit right from the horse's mouth.
Hey, want to go to a show?
Yeah, why not?
What do you think of "Cats"?
I love "Cats"… The songs, the dancing.
What about that makeup?
It's the best. After you, doctor.
Hey, my friend is kind of shot over here.
We were at the shooting gallery,
and it kind of got out of hand.
Wait, wait.
Wait. Kresk...
We had some good times, didn't we?
Yeah. Yeah, we surely did, buddy.
Hey, is he going to be okay?
Yeah, it's just a scratch. I think he'll live.
[HUMMING]
Ta-ta now.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Radiology tech, M.I.C.U. Stat.
Oh, sugar, that old man
must have really meant something to you.
WOMAN: Uhh. Just get out! Don't touch me!
What?
Come on, uncle Kresk. Let's go to the airport.
You got to go?
You... you okay?
Stupid old prune juice.
[SQUISHY FARTING]
But don't worry. I can make it to the plane.
No. No, Scottie. Come on.
We're not getting in a plane. Here.
What?
Thanks for knocking me out.
You came after me.
I came after you 'cause you're a criminal.
I thought you'd try to kill Bollingsworth
before you tried to leave the country.
The number one rule of thievery... no witnesses.
Oh, believe me. Bollingsworth is fine.
Bollingsworth is dead,
but I know you didn't kill him.
His heart gave out.
However, you're still a fugitive from the law.
Yeah, okay, I'll give you that one,
but you've got to believe me.
I didn't kill... Anybody.
Now, why should I believe you, Kresk?
Because I...
I don't know. I don't know.
All I know is that Scottie's behind this door
pulling the coins out as we speak
and that I love you, Meredith.
Please don't say that,
and I'm not your Meredith anymore.
I'm Sergeant Kolko to you,
and I want to hear the truth now.
Okay.
This whole mess started yesterday
when Karen and Avnet...
You know Avnet?
Do I know Avnet? Divorce? What?
Uhh!
We just talked to your ex-wife
and she didn't say anything
about a body in her apartment.
I'd think she'd notice.
Yeah, that was weird.
Hey, maybe Avnet isn't dead.
Right. So now you expect me to believe
that Avnet's running around the city
with a pair of scissors in his neck.
Sergeant Kolko.
What is it?
This stiff is a guy named Avnet.
We found him in these bushes downtown.
He has a broken back and these scissors in his neck.
There's a really nasty Nick on his ear.
Aah!
[THUD]
Hmm.
You're kidding me.
No, regular Rasputin, this guy.
But the kicker is I found this letter in Avnet's pocket.
Said Bollingsworth stole the coins.
MAN: Let's get this guy to the freezer.
I have to go.
[REPORTERS CHATTERING]
Over here by the "Give Blood" poster.
Captain, what are you doing?
Ah, Sergeant, you should see this.
Okay, boys, I'm ready.
Captain Weaver, can you tell us how you cracked the shiny case?
Well, it was simple, really.
Bollingsworth was my prime suspect
from the beginning.
It just took for him and his partner
to slip up for me to nab them.
Here's Sergeant Kolko.
Sergeant, can you tell me when you're going to do
another "Playboy" spread?
You know, someday she's going to make a great cop.
Okay, Captain, you've got the crooks.
Where are the coins?
Ah, yes. The coins. Well, you know,
I've given a lot of thought to that, and, uh...
I know the answer to that one.
This man, Thomas Kresk, is the answer.
He was on the bridge when Bollingsworth jumped.
He saw Bollingsworth throw the coins into the river
before he jumped.
Sergeant, anything else to add at this time?
Yeah, tomorrow morning, first thing,
we're going to have divers in the water.
That's it. Case closed.
Listen, why don't we finish this interview
outside the building?
Maybe we can talk about my involvement
with inner city youth.
You know, I buy these kids basketballs,
new ones, every year.
Why'd you do that for?
It's going to look really weird
when we turn the coins in.
Well, maybe we shouldn't turn them in.
No, no, no.
During the time I've had those coins,
I've tried to kill myself,
my oldest friend got shot,
my nephew's swimming in prune juice.
No, thanks. We're turning them in.
What do you think brought us together?
I hadn't really thought much about that.
The coins. You stole them.
I was supposed to catch the perp,
but instead I fell in love with him.
Who?
The perp.
Who's the perp?
You're the perp.
I'm the perp?
Yes.
And now we have those coins
and we can have a great life together.
No, wait. We don't need the coins
to have a great life together.
It could just be me and you,
like doing stuff and laughing.
Yes, but fate wants us to have those coins.
Do you think it was just a coincidence
that Avnet walked into your shop,
that Scottie swallowed the coins,
that you saved Bollingsworth,
and that both he and Avnet are dead?
Yeah, that is a little weird, isn't it?
Yes, it is. Don't you see?
We belong together.
Yeah.
And those coins belong to us.
You're right. We were meant to have those coins.
Yeah.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
SCOTTIE: Holy shit. Automatic toilet.
Scottie.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Scottie.
Hey, buddy, what are you doing?
Sorry, uncle Kresk. It just flushed.
Yeah, it sure did.
KRESK: So, that's the story.
I guess fate didn't want us to get those coins,
which is a good thing.
Meredith and I had each other, and that's all we needed...
Right?
♪ I've been working it out ♪
♪ jackknife every day ♪
♪ invisible strings got me doing ♪ ♪ strange things ♪
♪ trying to pull me ♪ ♪ the other way ♪
♪ crock pile slimmy ♪ ♪ got me working like a thief ♪
♪ cast your fate ♪ ♪ and then a man's relief ♪
♪ I wanna achieve so I can ♪ ♪ cut these strings attached ♪
♪ if a scissors don't work ♪
♪ then I'll burn 'em ♪ ♪ with a match ♪
♪ if the match don't burn, ♪ ♪ I'll use the jackknife ♪
♪ fold out, fold in ♪
♪ I can tell right now ♪ ♪ that you're freestyle ♪
♪ have to navigate ♪ ♪ balls of west ♪
♪ and put up with this mess ♪
♪ I've been working it out ♪
Yeah!
[LAUGHING]
Get the net, get the net.
Don't lose it, don't lose it!
♪ It's not the wind, ♪ ♪ the sunlight ♪
♪ telephone don't ring me ♪
♪ devil's on my shoulder ♪
♪ I think he's gonna make me ♪
♪ self-motivate amazingly ♪
♪ it keeps the power rollin' ♪
♪ and I can see ♪ ♪ the jackknife now ♪
♪ collapse a little unfolded ♪
♪ unfolded ♪
♪ unfolded, unfolded, ♪ ♪ unfolded, unfolded ♪
♪ unfolded, unfolded, ♪ ♪ unfolded ♪
♪ the cast on line ♪ ♪ and the bait is on my hook ♪
♪ it's a wonderful world ♪ ♪ everywhere I look ♪
♪ lookin' for a way out, ♪ ♪ out of the wind ♪
♪ going out pulling stunts ♪ ♪ like evel knievel ♪
♪ there's a jail ♪ ♪ that's chasing me ♪
♪ and there's a way ♪ ♪ that facing me ♪
♪ and dotted line ♪ ♪ that's chasing me around ♪
♪ jackknife every day ♪
♪ invisible strings got me ♪ ♪ doing strange things ♪
♪ trying to pull me ♪ ♪ the other way ♪
♪ it's not the wind, ♪ ♪ the sunlight ♪
♪ telephone don't ring me ♪
♪ devil's on my shoulder ♪
♪ I think he's gonna make me ♪
♪ self-motivate amazingly ♪
♪ it keeps the power rollin' ♪
♪ and I can see ♪ ♪ the jackknife now ♪
♪ collapse a little unfolded ♪
♪ and unfolded ♪
♪ unfolded ♪
♪ unfolded, unfolded, ♪ ♪ unfolded, unfolded ♪
♪ unfolded, unfolded, ♪ ♪ unfolded ♪
♪ I've been workin' it out ♪
♪ jackknife every day ♪
♪ invisible strings got me ♪ ♪ doing strange things ♪
♪ trying to pull me ♪ ♪ the other way ♪
♪ I've been working it out ♪
♪ jackknife every day ♪
♪ invisible strings got me ♪ ♪ doing strange things ♪
♪ trying to pull me ♪ ♪ the other way ♪